On Nearing 50 - An Emergency Checklist

I’ve been so busy recently that I completely forgot an impending date. In February I shall turn 50. That’s old, hideously old. I’ve been reviewing my lifestyle (if that’s the right word for it) and have decided that I’m far too immature to reach such an august and respectable age. In fact, I am not at all respectable. Things have got to change fast. Here is my hurriedly written list:

• Desist from playing hopscotch with pretty secretaries outside the offices of clients. Pretending to be a trapeze artist on the walls of clients’ car parks is also to be eschewed.
• Throw away all my clothes and buy several tweed suits and sensible brogues. I might also need ‘long johns’ and trusses (I am not entirely sure what these are so I’ll check with some genuinely old people like my friends David & Mike)
• Wear a tie at all times and replace sarong with night shirt or pyjamas.
• Cultivate a grave demeanour, exude gravitas and stick to ½ a pint of bitter at pub. Getting half cut, falling on the floor and laughing hysterically are definitely off the agenda.
• No more gadgets and especially no more robots (sadly this includes voice activated battle daleks). Instead spend money on pollyfilla, raw plugs and chamois leathers.
  
• Start talking about sensible things. Subjects to include the M25 corridor, power tools and grouting tiles. Also the price of various lengths of woods (2x4 or something) and the relative merits of different makes of workbench. (NB Find out what one actually does with a workbench).
  
• Refrain from conversational topics like cannibalism, cargo cults and sexual deviancy especially on first meeting people. Bear in mind that not everyone finds medieval torture techniques that amusing.
  
• Stop going to Amsterdam. Walking tours of the Lake District now on the cards.
• Take up a mature hobby like fishing or car washing.

On the whole I don't think I'll bother becoming 50. Instead I shall study taxidermy and flee to the jungles of Sarawak.