Incompetent Swine

I hope it isn't true that troubles usually come in threes because the last few weeks have been utter hell and I was looking forward to a peaceful Christmas.

The first horror involved networking a company:

• The normally very reliable Dell was told to format a new server to Raid 1 standards. They didn’t and this was only apparent after half a day was spent setting the server up. Everything had to be wiped & the disk reformatted
• The always vile BT assured us that the ASDL connection was set up and that any fault was down to incorrect settings in the router. After another half day of screaming at Netgear and changing every conceivable setting, we discovered that in fact BT had lied and that broadband had not been activated.
• Once connected, all email to other branches started to bounce. After more musak and more screaming, it turned out that BT has a secret policy of rejecting anything sent through their servers unless the sender’s domain is registered with them. It took 24 hours for them to register the domain.
• The boss’s machine had Windows XP Home Edition … and, therefore, couldn’t be added to the domain without being upgraded. After that, his ancient copy of Office wouldn’t work. Reinstalling this proved more than a mite difficult as the original disks were missing.
• Finally, despite surge protection, a power cut wiped out all the router settings. So on the one day I was supposed to be elsewhere, all had to be cancelled so that I could set them up again.

Horror number two was trying to get O2 to set up GPRS on my brand new XDA II ... something the nice man in the Salisbury O2 shop said would only take an hour or so. In fact, it took them two weeks and involved me wasting hours of time talking to completely useless support staff, some of whom didn't seem to know what GPRS was.

On my first call I was told that it would take 2 hours to set up; on my second, 4 hours. Then I was told to wait 24 hours & then another 48. Finally a really charming lady said that it would definitely be running by the 26th November. In fact, it eventually starting working on the 27th, over two weeks since I bought the bloody phone.

I suggest that BT & O2 add an option to their phone menu:
Press 7 to detonate a small nuclear device under our support centre.

British Computer Society

The British Computer Society
1 Sanford Street
Swindon
Wiltshire
United Kingdom
SN1 1HJ


Dear Sir,

As a lifetime member of the Secret Squirrel Society, I feel that I should draw your attention to certain inadequacies in the British Computer Society membership pack.

In the first place, it did not contain a mask OF ANY KIND.

Secondly, there was no code book or list of secret signs (as you are doubtless aware, Secret Squirrels can always make their presence known through the use of the Tufty Wood Whoop or in more formal social situations by performing discreet bunny hops).

Finally, I was horrified to discover that the pack did not appear to include an inscribed kazoo, a whistle or even a list of animal tracks.

Yours,
Mark C. Squire
Grand Gnawer, 2nd Order

Religious Tolerance - A Plea

Dear Sir,

While my fellow congregants and I are delighted by the Government’s plan to introduce a law dealing with incitements to religious hatred and outlawing discrimination on religious grounds, we do feel that a prima facie instance of such discrimination is to be found in its own policy documents.

Take for example, Tackling religious discrimination: practical implications for policy-makers and legislators. Not only is Satanism not explicitly mentioned, but there seems to be no attempt to redress the insults that Devil worshippers experience every day in this country. These range from Christian television and radio programs where one can actually hear such phrases as “abjuring Satan and all his works” to such vile works of anti-Satanist propaganda as The Exorcist.

Although the document does cite Article 9 of the Human Rights act (“the freedom, either alone or in community with others and in public or in private, to manifest one’s religion or belief”), no mention is made of changing the laws of this country to accommodate our practices. It would not, I suggest, be all that difficult to modify the homicide laws to allow for the occasional human sacrifice providing this be performed in a civilized, life-affirming manner at an official Satanist ceremony.

Doubtless Mr. Blunkett will take active steps to redress these failings. Doubtless too he will look at the institutional anti-Satanism that permeates so much of British life and that gives so much offence to our members. A good start would be with modifying the Union Jack itself. While we are prepared to show magnanimity by tolerating the continued existence of the Christian crosses, we feel that a balance should be struck by including a prominent image of Lucifer at, say, the top-left corner.

Yours faithfully,
Mark C. Squire