Like many of you, I woke this morning feeling angry and upset after last night’s soul-searing events in Texas. Another tragic and all-too-predictable school shooting has occurred and as usual grim-faced yet seemingly entirely impotent politicians appear on our screens quivering with indignation while demanding that guns be ever-so-slightly more controlled. We all know that absolutely nothing effective will be done and that within a few months or so there will be another bloody massacre in a school, more devastated young lives, more weeping parents and more fruitless indignation. So what is to be done?
Bizarre as it might seem, I venture to suggest that the answer lies not in a tightening of gun control measures but in a complete relaxation of the rules. Lobbying bodies like the NRA need to stand firm and uphold their patriotic duty. We need more guns, not fewer in this great country of ours and this will lead to a massive reduction in so-called ‘soft targets’ like schools or religious establishments.
In education, arming educators and support staff is just the first of a series of steps that need to be implemented with immediate effect. We insisted that teachers of all grade levels wear masks and have Covid vaccinations; surely, it is not too much to require that they be trained to carry and fire assault rifles and deploy stun grenades? They wouldn’t be on their own; with a well-funded recruitment drive, within a few short years each and every school would have its very own special forces detachment. To avoid upsetting young infants, tanks and armoured personnel carriers could be painted with cheerful, pastel colors and even decorated with cartoon animals.
Next, we turn to the children, our future citizens. No one in their right mind would seriously expect a four year old to be able to handle a heavy machine gun, but elementary target practice should commence in kindergarten and almost any child could learn to handle a light-weight ‘plastic’ pistol like a Glock. Training in heavier weaponry and elementary guerilla tactics would begin no earlier than third grade.
All this should be taught in a fun and positive way. Early reading materials would include works like Janet & Xavier Build their Very Own Claymore Mine and Garroting Techniques for the Under Fives. School playgrounds could be easily adapted and turned into mini assault courses complete with highly realistic sound effects.
Now we touch briefly on our many religious establishments. To reduce vulnerability, measures similar to those discussed above should be implemented forthwith but with a few modifications. For entirely laudable reasons, ‘men and women of god’ might be initially a trifle reluctant to carry semi automatics or rocket launchers, but there is no reason why teams of nondenominational assault nuns couldn’t be trained and deployed throughout the Nation. Why nuns in particular? Well, aside from making them fairly inconspicuous, their habits would conceal their M16 rifles and kevlar body armour.
One final measure would be to look hard at the Second Amendment itself (“... the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed”). To abrogate or even qualify this sacred text would be tantamount to blasphemy. I believe that the above modest suggestions are entirely within its spirit and would even go a little further. Surely, the carrying of small, tactical nuclear weapons should be the god-given right of every true born patriot? True, we might lose a few dozen major cities, but that would leave the gun toting miscreants with fewer places to hide. Remember: thermonuclear devices don’t kill people; people kill people.
Some of these suggestions might strike the reader as a little rebarbative or even - dare I say - absurd. But the idea of changing the Bill of Rights and limiting the freedom of the individual would surely have this Nation’s founders turning in their graves. What was good for 1789 should hold good for 2022.
